Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner

Hi! This is a new and different review, this time the winner of the Memoir & Autobiography category for the Goodreads 2021 Choice awards. Honestly, I’m a little biased against memoirs and autobiographies so I tend to stay away from reading them. I think I probably read a few when I was younger that just didn’t resonate with me and I’ve always thought that autobiographies were a little narcissistic. I mean, it’s one thing to have someone write about your life in a biography but writing your own always felt a little weird to me. Well, now that I’m older, I’m definitely less offended by the idea and I actually enjoy reading them (not that I’ve read a lot…YET). Like Billy Summers (review here where I talk about it), I might indeed write one of my own one day (especially relevant to Billy’s situation as I’m sitting here typing this review while starting my own solo journey in a small town for work, though definitely not as cool as assassinating a criminal)! Anyways, on to the review!

“Mommy is the only one who will tell you the truth, because Mommy is the only one who every truly love you”.

Ah, what an interesting read. This book has been massively popular this last year and I feel like everyone I know has read or recommended it. It’s probably because most of my friends are Asian American and this book definitely resonates with what it’s like growing up Asian in America. I actually wrote a diversity statement for law schools on this topic (they say it’s an optional essay but is anything really ever optional??) so I spent quite a long time thinking about this topic as well over the last two years. I grew up in a small town in Utah (where I am now) without any Asian friends or basically any other Asians period so I find Michelle’s childhood in Oregon extremely relatable. After moving to LA and then going to school in and working in areas with lots of diversity and a large Asian population, I kind of forgot how it felt to be a minority. And Michelle’s life has another layer of complexity because her dad is white so she never quite feels like she belongs in either culture completely. The whole time I was reading this book I just kept thinking of Maya from Pen15 (if you haven’t seen this it’s the funniest show ever, highly recommend if you can bear second hand cringe), half Japanese and half white, and I kept imagining Maya’s dad as Michelle’s dad throughout the book. But this whole book is dedicated to her mom, a Korean immigrant who uprooted her life and moved to America after marrying Michelle’s father. For the first few chapters, I was SHOOK. Michelle’s mom is eerily similar to how I remember my mom when growing up. Specific phrases (like the one quoted above) are exactly what my mom used to say to me. I’d ask her, you and dad both right? both of you truly love me, right??? And she’d kind of just look at me and say “sure but he didn’t birth you…” It’s one of those oh! so relatable! moments that really got me into the book from the get-go.

“My mother was always trying to shape me into the most perfect version of myself.”

Pinching flat nosebridges, hitting me when I’m slouching, telling me to stop making weird faces or else I’ll get wrinkles – that’s all stuff my mom used to do when I was a kid and I used to think she was c-c-c-crazy because does that even work??! But regardless, seeing Michelle phrase it as “the most perfect version of myself” and as I’ve gotten older, I see now that was exactly what my mom was doing. I used to hate it and whenever my mom said something, I’d do the opposite. I think I felt like I was never good enough for my mom, which was why she was always nitpicking on me. I was too fat, had too much acne, my eyes were too small, I wasn’t good at piano, etc. This really peaked when I was in high school and I had the lowest self-confidence. Of course my mom brought me to dermatologists, took me shopping, did everything she could to help me improve myself. But in my mind, she just kept reminding me of all my flaws and I absolutely hated her. I raged at her like it was her fault I was going through awkward growing pains. As I’m in my mid-twenties now, my relationship with my mom has changed a lot and she’s gotten older too so she’s a bit more relaxed and we don’t just yell at each other anymore like we did when I was in school (I’d say 75% of it was my fault but kids and teens shouldn’t be expected to act like adults because WE’RE NOT). I still don’t agree with everything my parents say or understand them completely but I do know that they’re always trying to do the best they can, especially for their children. Whether or not their best is indeed always the best is another thing but that’s still something I’m thinking about and working out as I get older. My parents are about 40ish years older than me and I have a twin and a brother that’s 16 years older. So the family dynamic has always been me and my sister as a unit against our parents and our brother a mediator, especially once he got over his own rebellious phase and just when we were hitting our angsty year (mine starting early in elementary school sorry mom and dad!). I wish my parents were younger so we could connect more, some things are just too hard to align on and there’s no changing my parents’ minds (as my dad says, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks) so I’m just trying to keep an open mind and hear their perspectives (I SAID TRYING).

“I envied and feared my mother’s ability to keep matters private, as every secret I tried to hold close ate away at me. She possessed a rare talent for keeping secrets, even from us. She did not need anyone. She could surprise you with how little she needed you.“

I know this is a book review and I keep derailing to talk about my own life but I kept thinking about my own childhood and all the parallels of growing up since Michelle’s mom passes right when she’s 25 and she spends a lot of the book focusing on the months leading up to this time as she takes care of her mom and spends their last months together. This really hits home because her mom was only 56 when she passed away. I’m 24 now and my mom is 68 in a couple of months. I always forget how old she is because she has so much energy, more than me, and seems so youthful still. But recently she injured her leg and seeing her hobbling around made me realize for the first time that my mom’s getting old. And as much as I haven’t ever thought about it, it means that my time with my mom (and dad) isn’t endless (nothing really is but we never think about that day to day) so I should take care to be more appreciative of them and do as much as I can with and for them while we’re all still healthy and happy together. And I’ve been trying. I’ve learned a lot about my parents this stint in LA living at home (again) – about what they were like when they first met, their first impressions of each other, how they were like when they were our age, etc. And I realized that there’s a lot to my parents I didn’t and don’t know. And I might never know. I always thought, seeing them everyday while growing up, I knew them, even though I didn’t think they knew me. But they’ve lived so much life and gone through so much before I was even born – how could I possibly know them as well as I thought? I don’t know if they’re keeping 10% to themselves like Michelle’s mom or if they’re even particularly good at keeping secrets, but they’ve been constantly surprising me for years, at least enough for me to know that there’s a lot more to learn.

I have a lot more thoughts on this book, more so than for my previous reviews. But that’s probably because there’s only so much you can talk about for a thriller plot and so much more to say about your own life. Luckily for me, unlike the thrillers I’ve reviewed, I actually have a real bookclub meeting planned for this book so I’ll be able to discuss it more with my friends! I’ll finish the review here because I clearly can’t actually review the book and keep just talking about myself. There’s so much more to talk about like the descriptions of food (Michelle and her mom share a love for Korean cuisine and this is how they bonded), Michelle’s difficulty communicating with her Korean relatives (I see this happening all the time with my cousins and grandma and wonder how my children will communicate with my parents if they don’t learn Chinese…), and Michelle’s relationship with her father, which is very interesting and different than the one she had with her mom. But alas, I’d keep going on and on. So, to leave you – overall, I would highly recommend this book! It’s easy to read, relatable (even if you’re not Asian American there’s still many relatable facets like growing up in a small town, pursuing the rockstar dream, bonding and arguing with parents, traveling, visiting relatives, etc.) and a touching story. It won’t go down as one of my all-time favorite books but it’s clearly provoked a lot of thoughts and it’s one of those books I feel like made me grow up a bit. We never know where life is going to take us so let’s all remember to try and not say or do anything we would regret if we died tomorrow. As a reminder to myself, go call your mom and catch up with your dad. Appreciate all they’ve sacrificed for you and cherish the time you have together because we truly never know what’s going to happen tomorrow…